Radical ways to Open to Unconditional Love
For most people what they call as love is not love at all.
For instance, the “I need love” request is not a need for love. It is a cry for attention.
When the person gets the type of attention they are looking for, they are happy.
Love is not something we need, it is an energy that flows out from us
Here is an extreme example to illustrate the point:
If the person who is saying “I need love” to his wife has just got drunk and had a fight in the bar what does the wife do?
If she gives him a hug she is possibly not loving unconditionally, even though it may appear like it. Instead she may be just giving sympathy, which supports the behavior by non verbally saying “Yes it is fine to get drunk and fight.”
If she is furious and upset and she is probably not unconditionally loving either.
Unconditional love could include asking loving questions such as “How do I love this person to be their best?”
A response to this question could be:“Ok honey, and lets agree to address this behavior tomorrow and help change the issues that caused you to get drunk and fight in the first place.” Or: “You need counseling right away for your problems”
Now, how does this unconditional love all work in the world?
A group of us were chatting:
We decided to look at it as 3 different scenarios, and find out how we would respond.
In The first scenario we are all married females
1. Our husband wants to take a job in Outer Mongolia; there is no room for you, the wife, to go.
The responses had quite a wide range:
o Its over! No relationship will ever survive that
o Bye Bye- I can read a book and relax, you are out of my hair
o If it is important to you, go ahead and do it, if it is your passion.
o It can be beautiful to support the husband… help him pack, support him, it can be a whole expansion of the relationship…
2. My Husband wants to spend money on beer that the family does not have.
o Let him! that is what men do in our culture (This comment from a Spanish speaking female)
o Kick him out! No discussion- this is over the line behavior
o Big argument! Both sides will be fixed, so no resolution will happen
o Discuss and debate and see what is the reason of his drinking; with the aim of working out a responsible solution
o Self Inquiry. What does that say about me that I attract this type person into my life? Let me look at that
3. Wife has an affair and then wants to come back to you
o No! That is not acceptable
o Yes. I can forgive and work on healing
o Forgive but then have to watch the desire to blame, power-trip and use the incident to get the upper hand
o What new sex tricks did you learn?
o Anger and violence, because this sort of behavior is normally wrapped up in trickery, manipulation and violence
The more we discussed our options and looked at the role of unconditional love we saw that the type of response could vary, but the energy of the person fell into one of 3 broad categories:
The Victim, who often would please, avoids conflict or generally be submissive,
o Poor me
o I am not loved
The Dominator who would respond with behaviors that get them power
- Swear word… you
- I want Vengeance
The Compassionate one, who could stand in the place of unconditional love and choose a response that is the best for themselves, the world and the other person. We could call this an enriching response.
This unconditional love will still have all the options open for response, ranging from support through advice to putting the person in prison!
It is the inner space that determines whether the person is acting from unconditional love or not. With their hearts wide open they could have any one of these responses:
I love you and…
o I Support
- You have my support
o I Discuss
- To create understanding for both of us
- To negotiate a solution
o I Advise
- By offering Wise council
- Clarifying to cut through what I see as your confusion
o It is best for you, for us and for the world if you Take your Medicine
- We are sending you to rehab
- You have to do your time in Jail
- I have done all I can and it is time for you to figure it out on your own
- Get away from me, you are dangerous to me